Hello everyone! It’s Tuesday, right? How is your week going? I’ve got quite the challenge for you today. You’ll either love me or hate me for it.
Today, I’m going to be sending you on a quest. It’s not an extremely difficult quest but it is one that requires you to put on actual pants. That is sometimes a challenge in itself, isn’t it?
Okay, now I’m going to have you pull $25 out of the bank. Don’t worry, you won’t be sending it to me, though you can if you want to. Today you’re going to be spending it on yourself.
So do you have your money and your pants? Good. Now go to your local office supply store. While you can go to Walmart or Target, I suggest that you actually head over to a place like Office Depot, Staples, or Office Max. Once you’re there, I want you to go over to the pen aisle and try to find your perfect writing instrument.
While I realize that most of you do your writing on your computers and laptops, you’ll need this magic writing implement in the future. You may need it to pen the next great American [READ: whatever country you happen to be from] novel or you may use it to sign your name on the heaving bosoms of your biggest fans.
Pick something that writes smooth, something that fits nicely in your hand, and something that glides smoothly through the air after being flung at your agent. This is your sword! Your Excalibur! Your light-saber of justice! Go ahead, pick a feather quill! Pick a pack of Papermates. Pick a fat-tipped paint pen so that you can scrawl your name across the front of the building! I’m kidding. Don’t actually do that…
Okay, now even the finest pen won’t cost you $25 (actually, that’s not true). If you do have some extra money, go over to the notebook aisle and get yourself a new pad. If you want to find one that fits in your purse, go for it. If you want to buy a leather-bound journal, get it (but first you may have to make another withdrawal from the bank). If you prefer writing on one of those yellow legal pads, get a pack!
I know what you’re thinking: “Why do I need to put on pants? I could just do this online.”
No. No, you can’t. You can’t because in order to find the perfect pen you have to hold it in your hand and caress it like the magical instrument that it is. You have to scribble with it, on one of those writing pads that was gratified by teenagers.
So go forth, my young scribes! Find your magic wand or your light-saber or your sword of justice! Then immortalize your ex-boy/girlfriend in fiction in horrifying detail. Or write about the fall of a great empire. Or write about sparkly vampires… Better yet, write a story for our “HORROR-FIED!” Short Story Competition! The deadline is coming up fast (5 days)!